My grandmother, Mary Yanni, was one of the most influential people in my life. When I was born, my grandmother’s house was about two miles away from the home where I lived with my parents. My grandmother (affectionately called Nana) rode her bicycle over to see me daily. When my parents and I moved from Salt Lake to Price, about 120 miles southeast, Nana would make the drive to visit us regularly, and we would make the drive back to Salt Lake to visit her several times per year. My sister and brother were both born while we lived in Price. When our family moved to California after four years in Price, Nana would make the trip to visit us about twice per year and we would go visit her once per year. On two different occasions, I lived with Nana for a number of months at a time. Nana taught me a lot about spirituality and liturgy. The daughter of Italian immigrants, Nana was a devout Roman Catholic. She taught me about the rosary and she taught me about the Eucharist. Nana taught me how to make spaghetti sauce, gnocchi, meatballs, veal parmesan, and her famous pizzelle. She encouraged me to learn and helped me to grow. She was generous, kind, and loving. Nana was a stable presence in my life. Sadly, Nana died at the age of 82 in 2005. To this day I think of her often and miss her dearly. And although no one in our family would dare talk about it, Nana was an alcoholic.
I’ve mentioned before that I was raised in an alcoholic family system. But what exactly does this mean? Alcoholism is difficult to define because it affects people differently. Sometimes people who identify as alcoholics feel dependent upon the effects of alcohol in their systems to feel normal. Some people who demonstrate alcoholic behavior do not drink at all. Alcoholism is prevalent in this country and it isn’t always easy to recognize. I think it’s safe to say that some dioceses in the Episcopal Church operate as alcoholic systems. Many parishes and churches, Episcopal and otherwise, also operate as alcoholic systems. There is a lot of shame associated with alcoholic behavior, and Nana’s other relatives would be very angry if they knew that I publicly outed her as an alcoholic. But that’s because the entire Yanni family operates as an alcoholic system, and they demonstrate alcoholic behaviors as well.
But how can someone be an alcoholic even if that person doesn’t drink alcohol? Remember that word I used earlier? I’ve used it a few times as I’ve written these daily Lenten reflections, and I use it from time to time in my preaching. It’s a word that affects me personally, likely because I was raised within the alcoholic system. The word is shame. Although there’s a lot of ambiguity surrounding alcoholism, and it isn’t exactly easy to diagnose, many professionals agree that shame and secrecy are big red flags that signal alcoholic behavior. The Yanni family is dysfunctional, as many (most?) families are. But do you know one thing the Yannis (at least the Yannis related to me) are really good at? Shame. And if shame was a sport, then Nana was the national champion.
Nana was well-known for her “guilt trips.” But that’s a misnomer. Nana could get people to do what she wanted them to by making them feel bad. That’s not guilt, that’s shame. If someone manipulates you to make you feel bad, then they are shaming you. This is true especially if you have done nothing wrong. People who make you feel bad for expecting them to respect your boundaries are using shame. Shame is very prevalent in the Church and it’s very prevalent in family systems. When a preacher stands up at the altar and tells you that you ought to feel badly for something you’ve said or done, then that isn’t a guilt trip. It’s shame. Shame is an effective tactic, which is why it works. Some churches (and especially cults) have huge followings because they make people feel ashamed for not attending. Because of my upbringing, I try to be overly sensitive about shame. Sometimes this might mean people think I’m “letting them off the hook” or not being firm enough. But I am very sensitive to shame and I don’t believe God wants us to feel shame. I will never shame you into tithing more, for instance. I certainly believe in being open and honest with you, and making sure you are aware of the parish’s finances. I believe in you to tithe what you feel you can contribute and I encourage you to do so. But I will never use shame to get people to pledge. Shame isn’t a healthy tactic and it has burned me in my family of origin.
Nana was really good about getting people to come over and do things for her. She was really good at getting her way. She was really good at making people feel sorry for her. And she was very good at keeping secrets. In fact, it was one of her secrets that led virtually my entire extended family and my sister to estrange me. It is true that all systems are co-causal, and I certainly must have played a role in this estrangement. However, it was our shared alcoholic system upbringing and family secrecy that ultimately ended any relationships with the extended Yanni family, meaningful or otherwise. Nana kept a lot of secrets and hid lots of things from lots of people. She bought box wine and filled up a carafe to keep in the refrigerator so no one would know how much wine she was actually drinking. She filled up the carafe as it emptied. Magically, the carafe always seemed to have wine in it. She also drank her wine out of a coffee cup. This way, no one knew she was drinking wine throughout the day. After Nana died, it was discovered that she had a collection of mini bottles stashed under her bed. Nana never appeared drunk and she never told anyone about her drinking. Nana kept it a secret.
She also kept financial gifts as secrets. As generous as she was, her own shame tactics were turned around on her by her family. “Why are you giving money to this person or that?” she was asked. To avoid being shamed, her gifts were kept on the down low. This included a gift she made to me. It’s a gift that I am eternally grateful for, as it helped me out of a very bad situation. But it’s the gift that, along with the secrecy surrounding it, led the Yanni family to believe I had taken advantage of her generosity. Because of the fallout from discovering the gift, none of them have spoken to me for close to 20 years. Does it hurt? Well, yes and no. Do I understand it? Probably better than they do. Do they think they’re in the wrong? Absolutely not. Are they willing to have an adult conversation about it so we can move on with our lives? No. Am I? I don’t know. See? That’s the alcoholic system at work. Any system that functions on making other people feel bad (shame), keeping secrets, and issuing strict punishment (often estrangement with no opportunity for reconciliation) for breaking unspoken rules is an alcoholic system.
Operating as an alcoholic system causes a lot of trouble and heartache for a whole lot of people. A mentor of mine used to tell alcoholics, “It’s not your fault you’re an alcoholic. But overcoming it is your work.” You see, the experiences influencing our lives lead us to behave in certain ways. Why do alcoholic behaviors tend to lead to drinking and other forms of addiction? Well, because they help people to not feel the shame. If you’ve heard the term “self-medication”, then that’s what it means. Drugs, alcohol, and other addictions help to anesthetize the pain. When people realize their pain and feelings of shame disappear while using, they keep chasing that anesthesia. It’s like the Pink Floyd song. When people use, they feel comfortably numb.
I don’t know Nana’s whole story in life. I don’t know what influenced her to have alcoholic behaviors or to participate in an alcoholic family system. I don’t know why my relatives behave the way they do. I don’t fully understand why I behave the way I do. But I’m always trying to learn more and more about myself. I suspect my Nana had a lot of pain, although I don’t know what caused it. I suspect my uncles, aunts, dad, and cousins also have some kind of pain. No one has been willing to share about it, or really even acknowledge it. They keep it a secret. As far as I know, they don’t realize their behavior is dysfunctional. I did not realize my behavior was dysfunctional until I benefited from a combination of seminary, therapy, and spiritual direction. It’s challenging to be emotionally healthy, just like it’s challenging to be physically healthy or spiritually healthy. I love my Nana and I miss her a lot. I wish some things would have been different in our relationship, but that doesn’t detract from my love for her. She was a wonderful woman. Alcoholic behavior isn’t sinful, but it isn’t healthy. If we discuss it openly, then maybe there’s a chance it can lose its stigma. If it loses its stigma, then maybe it can shed some of the shame. If it sheds its shame, then maybe the need to self-medicate won’t be so great. I advocate for healthy behavior and naming our feelings. If you notice red flags, talk about them. As they say, the best disinfectant is sunshine.