Do you have personal heroes? It is very normal and human nature to look to others as examples of how we might choose to live our lives. When I was a kid, my heroes were mostly people who were physically strong. I watched shows like Batman and He-Man, and I pretended to be heroes like them when I would play with my friends on the playground. While it’s true that Batman and He-Man cartoons do provide children with a taste of moral character, the real fun of Batman and He-Man is that they always seemed to prevail over the “bad guys.” He-Man would always defeat Skeletor. And Batman would always find himself in some kind of trouble one day, only to defeat the Joker, the Riddler, the Penguin, or Catwoman later in the week. As a child, I wanted to be a” good guy” and I wanted to defeat the “bad guys.” I have come to learn that this way of thinking can lead us toward being competitive later in life. If someone else wins, it means I lose. Doesn’t it?
At this stage in my life, I realize that my heroes are still people who are strong. But they’re strong in a different way. They are strong in mind, in heart, and in character. And I have learned that when someone else wins, it does not mean that I lose. In fact, we all can be winners. My heroes are people who are courageous. My heroes are people who are compassionate. My heroes are people who try to work for there to be as many winners as possible. Instead of pitting the good guys vs. the bad guys, my heroes are the people who show me that the good guys work on behalf of the other good guys. When we work for each other, we all win.
When you think of courage, what pops into your mind? Do you think of someone who enjoys the thrill of a risky situation for the sake of the thrill itself? I probably used to think of courage in that way. The English word “courage” comes to us from the French word “couer” which means heart. Someone who exhibits courage demonstrates strength of heart. In order to be courageous, it is true that someone has to understand the risk involved. But there must be intention behind their actions. Standing in the middle of a street during heavy traffic isn’t courageous, it is foolish. However, running out into busy traffic to save a child who wandered into the road is courageous.
What about compassion? Do you have images come into your mind when you think of compassion? The English word compassion is another word that comes to us from the Latin-based languages. It literally means “to suffer with.” Think of the Spanish, “con pasion”, which means “with passion.” Someone saying “I’m sorry” when something has gone wrong isn’t necessarily compassionate. However, someone taking the time to empathize with you and to enter the space of your grief is compassionate.
When we demonstrate traits such as courage and compassion, we can be heroes to others in our lives. We need not sacrifice someone else’s “winning” for the sake of our own. In fact, being compassionate and courageous can enhance endorphins in our brains, leading us to happier, more fulfilling lives. The other person wins because they received the wonderful gift of your self, and you win because you reap the benefits of giving of yourself. So what does it look like to be compassionate or courageous?
Think of the last time someone cut you off in traffic. Did the person who cut you off make you extremely angry? Did you fill with rage? Did you call that person a name? Maybe you even hoped that a police officer witnessed the event and that person would get a speeding ticket. After all, that serves them right! Trust me, I get it. I’ve been there. I often think those same kinds of thoughts. Who does this person think they are?
Now I want us to think about what was accomplished by our name calling or our hopes for instant karma. Did it make us feel better? Maybe for a short time. But what if there’s a different way? What if we give that person the benefit of the doubt? What if, instead of thinking of that person as some kind of careless maniac, we picture the driver as someone who is trying to get his child to the hospital? Does our opinion of that person change? Are we able to give them a pass for cutting in front of us? What if, by that person getting in front of us, he was able to get to the hospital soon enough to save a dying child’s life? That changes everything, doesn’t it? In the second scenario, we are being compassionate. We are allowing ourselves to suffer with a panicking father. A father who is, in fact, behaving courageously on his child’s behalf.
I know we’re probably thinking that the person who cut us off isn’t likely on the way to a hospital to save someone’s life. We’re probably right. But can we allow ourselves to pretend it’s true anyway? If we can, then we’ve allowed compassion to rewire our brain chemistry. We no longer feel “cheated”. We no longer feel like we lost anything. We may even feel like we have given of ourselves in the form of a valuable few seconds we will never get back. But we will not feel like a loser at the cost of the other driving being a winner. We are all winners.
Let’s all put this theory to work. Let’s try to be courageous and compassionate heroes. Let’s refrain from cutting others off in traffic and see how that makes us feel. And when someone cuts us off in traffic, let’s see what happens when we allow ourselves to be compassionate toward them. Even if they do not have a dying child in their car, we do not truly know what they are going through. If we allow ourselves to be compassionate, courageous, and even a bit inquisitive, then maybe we can be their hero for a short time. Let’s all strive to be heroes.