The Holidays are Here!
Happy day after Thanksgiving! Just a quick question for you: how are you holding up after the holiday? It’s a serious question, really. A whole lot can go on during the Thanksgiving holiday and it can be helpful to do a self-assessment of our wellbeing. Even when Thanksgiving goes smoothly, it doesn’t mean the day is without stresses. Preparing a Thanksgiving meal takes lots of time, planning, available ovens, and counterspace. Traditional Thanksgiving foods, which tend to contain butter, flour, cream, eggs, breadcrumbs, pie crusts, sugars, and other substances, can create quite the mess while the meal is being prepared. It’s also not uncommon for dinner to include beverage spills and even the occasional broken piece of heirloom china that has been in the family for years. When a gathering is large, the cleanup effort can include scrubbing, scraping, and running the dishwasher multiple times. Pile on top of that family dysfunction, hurt feelings, and maybe one too many glasses of wine, and Thanksgiving Day isn’t for the faint of heart. While it is important to offer thanks, it is also important to enter this holiday season with healthy boundaries, a strong sense of self, and a good support system.
Holidays can be great fun. We all have visions of the perfect holiday from when we were younger. Maybe those memories include piling in a station wagon, travelling through a snowy mountain setting, and arriving at Grandma’s house, which was warmed by a scenic fireplace. If we think about it hard enough, I bet we can remember the way her house smelled. Can you smell the turkey and the warm apple pie that came out of the oven just before our arrival? Maybe we remember the pickup football game in the back yard with all the cousins that finished with an invitation inside where we were then asked to change into nice clothes. Maybe we remember that itchy wool sweater that Mom made us wear because Grandma made it for us last year and it was important to wear it to make sure Grandma’s feelings weren’t hurt. What about rooting through the turkey slices, searching for the juiciest pieces, and then piling up the plate with turkey and mashed potatoes because those are the only two items on the menu that worked with our youthful palate? The day was probably finished off with some pumpkin pie in front of the fireplace as we watched a classic Christmas movie on television. What a day!
And as fun as holidays can be, sometimes they just don’t quite live up to the expectations we have for them. Maybe we learn that those nostalgic images in our minds were not as pure as we remember them. Maybe we realize the kids were sent outside to play football so we wouldn’t have to listen to political disagreements from our parents and their siblings. Maybe we later learned that someone in the family had a tendency to drink heavily on the holidays and it caused a problem in the family. Maybe conversations surrounding money or other personal topics reared their heads in the adult conversations. Maybe someone was going through a divorce and was the topic of all the hot gossip. And maybe that year was the first without a family member who recently died. Sadly, when a holiday doesn’t live up to its expectations, people can sometimes finish the day in a mood that is even more somber than it had been before.
Thanksgiving Day, celebrated the fourth Thursday in November in the United States, is the kickoff for what is colloquially called the holiday season. In the United States, these holidays can include Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s Day, the Epiphany, Kwanzaa, and a number of other observances. Common themes of these holidays include enjoying festive foods, spending time with family, and gift giving. Along with these practices can come the expectation to have the perfect holiday. Think of Clark Griswold in the movie “Christmas Vacation.” While the character, portrayed by Chevy Chase, is known for his elaborate efforts to have perfect family vacations, he takes it to the next level by inviting the entire extended family to the Griswold house to spend Christmas together. Despite his best efforts to do things properly, he can’t seem to get the house decorations to work, he spends more money than he plans for, and his expected Christmas bonus does not hit his checking account as he expected it to. He becomes trapped in his attic, his Christmas tree catches fire, and his neighbors try to assault him. The Griswold family Christmas isn’t one of those holidays that we all picture in our minds. And yet, the story resonates with so many of us because we’ve all experienced less-than-perfect holidays.
As we continue our journey through the holiday season, it is important to remember to be gentle with ourselves. There is no need to invite unnecessary stresses into our lives, and it is certainly not crucial to abide by societal expectations if we’re just not feeling it this year. This means that it is a good idea to establish and enforce healthy boundaries with those people who push our buttons. Think of the stereotypical drunk uncle. If he says things that make people uncomfortable, it is perfectly acceptable to make sure he knows those kinds of statements are not appropriate. It is also perfectly appropriate to withhold his invitation to dinner this year based on his unwillingness to change his behavior. If we’re not feeling overly jolly this year, it is okay to decide that we don’t want to decorate the house this year. And it is fine to decline an invitation to a party or dinner that simply doesn’t fit into our schedule this year. This isn’t to say we ought to be rude, but we also can unburden ourselves from worrying about other people’s expectations of how we celebrate the holidays. It is perfectly acceptable to take the time or the space we need to ensure our own wellbeing.
It can also be helpful to do a self-check in during the holiday season. We can ask questions like “how is my emotional wellbeing?” “How is my mental wellbeing?” “How is my physical wellbeing?” And after we do these check ins, we can take the steps that we need to in order to work on them. Am I feeling a little extra anxious these days? Then maybe I can walk an additional mile this morning during my morning walk as I take in the cool autumn air. Am I experiencing some seasonal sadness, or am I finding myself grieving a loss I’ve experienced during the year? Then maybe I can take some time to attend an extra church service or spend some time in prayer, asking God for comfort. Maybe I can find a friend I can talk to, or maybe I can seek help from a professional therapist who can walk with me during my journey. If I’m doing well, then maybe I can help be a support for someone who isn’t doing quite as well. And what if I’m not feeling well physically? Then I can listen to my body. I can try to enjoy the foods that make me feel good. I can decline that glass of wine at dinner and have a Diet Coke instead. I can spend some time outdoors by playing a round of golf, going for a hike, or even bringing my dog to the dog park and watching her play. In all things, we can surround ourselves with people who we know will be there for us. We can spend time with people who are safe and non-judgmental. We can be there for them, and we can let them be there for us.
No one hopes for a difficult holiday season. But holidays do not always play out the way we see them in Hallmark movies. Talking about the holidays as if we live in the real world can be a helpful way to remind ourselves that we are human, and human life has its ups and downs. While it’s great to reflect on that Christmas when we received the best gift from Santa, it’s also important to remember that first Christmas without grandma. It’s okay to feel happy during the holidays, but it’s also okay to feel sad (or any other way). We have to remember that our emotions inform us, and they tell us something about ourselves. There are no good emotions or bad emotions. There are some emotions that feel better than others, but they’re not inherently good or bad. They just are. And as we enter this holiday season, let’s remain mindful of our emotions. We can do things to have a lot of fun. And if we’re not up for fun this year, then that’s perfectly fine, too.